If you're feeling low...

Nerds have a thing, where in order to either deny or super-confirm their own status as nerdites, they must undergo the ritual of putting down other nerds. If, for example, you attend a comic convention, you must make a point of noticing how many nerds are actually there. “That’s a lot of nerds” you may say to an acquaintance “Don’t they smell. Haw haw haw.” You may think this makes people believe you stand apart from the smelly masses yourself. Allow me to explain something to you nerdkind. You are mistaken. Horribly mistaken.

First off, if people are going to brand you a nerd, they’re going to do it whether or not you brand other people. This is because they also don’t want to be called nerds. In the end, all we end up with is a big group of people calling each other names before whining themselves to sleep in the pitiful hope that other people don’t say the same thing about them.

Thinking about it though, what is so bad about actually being a nerd? The ability to endlessly appreciate outdated humour? The blithely positive attitude towards all problems and all situations? A blissful obliviousness to restrictive social etiquette? What’s not to love? It’s only when nerds start getting big ideas about breaking free from the hive mind that the problems start. That's where the self-deprecating, all consuming system of circular alienation begins.

I call on you all today to make a stand, for it is impossible to deny your heritage any longer. The very act of reading this piece of text makes you one of us, meaning that for you the time has come to act. The next time you exercise one of your petty attempts to hide your true identity through taking a steamer on someone else’s: think again. They’re going to do exactly the same to you. It’s not like smoking either. You can’t call yourself a casual, social or only-when-I’m-drunk nerd. This is who you are. Get used to it.

Right, I’m going to go do some press ups and socialise with my myriad of friends about topics unrelated to space travel or magic. Or books. Night, losers!